Durga Saptami 2020 – The Darkest Night of my Life

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It’s that time of the year again – Durga Pujo. One that used to be the favourite time of the year for me. This festive season was the most awaited one and it would always bring happiness. There used to be planning, preparations, the air would be thick with the feeling of welcoming the goddess, getting a glimpse of her, worshipping her and celebrating the homecoming of Maa Durga.

Then, one dark night, everything changed forever. Durga puja isn’t the same for me anymore. What happened last year is going to haunt me and break me down with the onset of every Durga puja.

Durga Saptami – 2020

It was the evening of Durga Saptami and we were all decked up to visit the puja venue. Due to lockdown, in India that year there was no social gathering, puja pandal, idol or any festive functions. Luckily, here in Perth, things were under control and everything went on smoothly.

In the morning I had a video call with my parents and I told them that at night when I visit the venue, I’ll call them up again so they can see Maa Durga’s idol and pray. We were all praying for baba’s recovery. He was doing fine after the surgery. He showed improvement, he had the will to get back on his feet, he had also started walking with support.

His throat cancer relapsed after a gap of almost ten years. The first time he was cured completely through chemotherapy but this time he had to undergo a major operation of eight long hours.

Surprisingly, ten years ago, it was on my birthday when the doctor shared the good news that he was completely cured and was out of danger. I remember how he celebrated my birthday in the hospital canteen by secretly buying a pastry and singing the birthday song for me. This year also, he made it a point to make me feel special on my day. He wished me in advance before entering the operation theatre but the next day on my birthday when I received a video call from my mother, I was surprised to see baba with her. I was under the impression he was still in ICU. He could barely move his jaw to speak but I was still able to hear “Happy Birthday” and I was in tears. Even in so much pain, he made my day. Little did I know, that was the last time he was wishing me on my birthday.

Later, doctors discharged him saying his condition was good but he would still need a lot of time to recover completely. He was happy to be back home. He couldn’t speak or eat but would listen to me and watch my kids play on our daily video calls. With all the pipes attached to his mouth and throat, he would manage to smile too. I never saw him give up.

On Saptami, when I went to the puja venue, Maa Durga looked as beautiful as ever and I kept looking at her. I thanked her for giving baba the strength to recover and asked her to take care of him. All my prayers were for him. I then made a video call and showed them everything, the idol, the arrangements, the food and they were so happy that I could attend it. Everything was fine and normal till then. We returned home after having a lavish dinner and were fast asleep within hours.

Late at night, I was woken up by my husband. He was unable to say anything, was crying and handed over his mobile phone to me. I couldn’t understand what was going on and took the phone from him. It was a call from my sister. I asked him why was he crying and then asked my sister what happened? All she could say was “baba nei” (baba is no more) and there was silence. I could only hear cries. My sister was howling, my husband was crying and I sat there frozen, in shock and in disbelief. The call got disconnected, I didn’t believe what she said. Until the evening everything was fine, what could have gone wrong suddenly? I called up again, this time a video call and I said, “I want to see baba. Where is he?”

She took the phone near his bed, where he laid, lifeless. My heart was the heaviest, it skipped a beat, my throat was dry and my vision blurred. I called him as loud as I can, “baba” but he didn’t answer.

My whole world came crashing down. I died that very moment with him.

That night I kept dialling them again and again. I didn’t want them to disconnect the video call. This was the last time I could see my baba. It looked like he was sleeping peacefully. At times it also looked like he was breathing. My sister and mother kept sitting beside him all night and I kept looking at him through my phone. My mother who has severe back pain and can’t sit for long, sat the whole night beside him. My sister gathered the courage to tell me everything that happened. It was all so sudden. He started gasping, the nurse placed the oxygen but his body stopped responding and within seconds he was gone.

The next morning, on Maha Ashtami, the preparations were going on for our father’s last journey. My mother was inconsolable, my brother-in-law was bedridden, my nephew stood with my sister like a rock and some kind souls left the Ashtami puja and rushed to our home to help. My sister single-handedly managed everything. She was the Durga that day. I, helplessly, watched everything and cried, cries that haven’t stopped, that will never stop.

With tears in my eyes, I continued to watch as they prepared the deathbed, placed a white cloth on him, sprinkled some colours, a basil leaf, a garland, flowers, turn by turn they touched his feet and then they lifted him chanting ‘bolo hori hori bol’ as they walked. I frantically made video calls to different numbers as their batteries were dying one after the other. In the end, a neighbour sent her mobile phone to the crematorium so I could continue to watch my baba for as long as I could. My nephew kept the video call still on as he sat beside his dadu in the vehicle that drove to the crematorium. After the rituals, my sister lit the pyre, my nephew held her hand there and I held it from the mobile screen bidding our loving father the last goodbye.

Durga Puja – 2021

It’s that time of the year again. This year the festive season is dull, depressed and not making me happy at all. I can’t stop crying. As the dates move closer to Saptami, my anxiety keeps increasing. I miss baba more.

It is still unbelievable that baba is not with us anymore. I was angry why did Maa Durga take him away from us. I prayed to her to take care of him, why did she take him away? Why didn’t she cure him by her divine touch? Why did she end his life? I fought with my thoughts a lot. I didn’t pray for a long time. I fought with Maa Durga. I kept asking her, why?

Probably, he was Maa’s favourite devotee, her favourite child. She couldn’t see   him in so much pain and she travelled to take him along with her. He is in a place where there’s no pain anymore. He is in the presence of his mother’s love. Maybe that is where he always wanted to be. He is at peace.

I was in a dilemma whether to visit the Durga puja venue this year or not. Then, I thought maybe, right now, baba is with Maa Durga. Maybe, I’ll be able to see him when I see Maa. He must be watching us. He must be travelling along with Maa Durga to see us. He would love to see us happy. I’ll try to create beautiful memories of Durga puja for my kids, just like he did for us. I’ll try to worship the goddess just like he did.

Durga puja from now on is going to be the most difficult time of the year but personally, from this year onwards it would also mean the homecoming of not just the goddess but also my baba. Everything I do would be for him, to celebrate his life, to thank him for his blessings, for making our lives so beautiful and I hope with this he continues to smile, forever.

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