E – Ended with the Final Journey

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That night I kept calling them again and again. I didn’t want them to disconnect the video call. This was the last time I could see my baba. It looked like he was sleeping peacefully. At times it also looked like he was breathing. My sister and mother kept sitting beside him all night and I kept looking at him through my phone. My mother who has severe back pain and can’t sit for long, sat the whole night beside him. My sister gathered the courage to tell me everything that happened. It was all so sudden. He started gasping, the nurse placed the oxygen and my sister rushed to the other room to call the doctor. The ambulance kept waiting downstairs, my mother told him we need to go to the hospital but he gestured with his hand that he doesn’t want to go. In the presence of his wife and his eldest grandkid, his body stopped responding and within seconds he was gone. My sister kept crying and repenting that even when she was in the same house, she couldn’t be with him at his last moment.

The next morning, on Maha Ashtami, the preparations were going on for our father’s last journey. My mother was inconsolable, my brother-in-law was bedridden, my nephew stood with my sister like a rock and some kind souls left the Ashtami puja and rushed to our home to help. My sister single-handedly managed everything. She was the Durga that day. I, helplessly, watched everything and cried, cries that haven’t stopped, that will never stop.

With tears in my eyes, I continued to watch as they prepared the deathbed, placed a white cloth on him, sprinkled some colours, a basil leaf, a garland, flowers, turn by turn they touched his feet and then they lifted him chanting ‘bolo hori hori bol’ as they walked. I frantically made video calls to different numbers as their batteries were dying one after the other. In the end, a neighbour sent her mobile phone to the crematorium so I could continue to watch my baba for as long as I could. My nephew kept the video call still on as he sat beside his dadu in the vehicle that drove to the crematorium. After the rituals, my sister lit the pyre, my nephew held her hand there and I held it from the mobile screen bidding our loving father the last goodbye.

I was angry why did Maa Durga take him away from us. I prayed to her to take care of him, why did she take him away? Why didn’t she cure him by her divine touch? Why did she end his life? I fought with my thoughts a lot. I didn’t pray for a long time. I fought with Maa Durga. I kept asking her, why?

Probably, he was Maa’s favourite devotee, her favourite child. She couldn’t see him in so much pain and she travelled to take him along with her. He is in a place where there’s no pain anymore. He is in the presence of his mother’s love. Maybe that is where he always wanted to be. He is at peace.

I was in a dilemma whether to visit the Durga puja venue the following year or not. Then, I thought maybe, right now, baba is with Maa Durga. Maybe, I’ll be able to see him when I see Maa. He must be watching us. He must be travelling along with Maa Durga to see us. He would love to see us happy. I’ll try to create beautiful memories of Durga puja for my kids, just like he did for us. I’ll try to worship the goddess just like he did.

Durga puja from now on is going to be the most difficult time of the year but personally, from this year onwards it would also mean the homecoming of not just the goddess but also my baba. Everything I do would be for him, to celebrate his life, to thank him for his blessings, for making our lives so beautiful and I hope with this he continues to smile, forever.

Coming up next –

F – First poem dedicated to baba

I’m participating in #BlogchatterA2Z by https://www.theblogchatter.com

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